If you knew me you would know that I have a rather shy personality. I don’t like to share personal experiences or do things that might draw too much attention to me. But if you knew me you would also know that I LOVE being a mom more than anything else in the world. I LOVE having babies. I love the entire process. I pray daily for the blessing of more children. I can’t wait until I can have another baby. I know it might sound crazy when I already have 5 beautiful children, but I dream every day about having more children. I have always wanted 7 children, my 7 beautiful dwarfs in my fairy tale life. My children bring me more joy than I ever knew existed, and they make my life perfect, each in their own unique way.
I have always thought about adopting a child. I can do without all the different social media like Facebook, Instagram, Twitter and Pinterest, but I find myself searching Reece’s Rainbow constantly. Even though I have this overwhelming desire to adopt, the thought of not going through my favorite part of being pregnant got in the way of really considering it. I worried that by adopting a child I would be taking away from my family, and I was afraid.
In November of 2013, I came across a little girl on Reece’s Rainbow that stole my heart. She is a Down Syndrome girl from China that is 2 years old. It was love at first sight. Her eyes were calling to me and I felt an instant connection to her. I really don’t know how to fully explain it even now, but I knew in an instant that she was meant to be a part of my family. I sent her picture to my husband and told him that this was our baby. He didn’t know whether to take me seriously or not, but he fell in love with her on that day, too. Time went by and I looked up this baby daily, and my husband, seeing that I was indeed serious, agreed that we needed to look into making Ruthanne a part of our family. We inquired about her, but did not hear back.
The next thing I knew I was pregnant. I was SO excited, but something inside told me something wasn’t quite right. I could not stop thinking about Ruthanne, but thought that because I was pregnant that I was not meant to adopt her. I tried to move on, but I still had a nagging feeling that something was not right. It was so hard to let go of my thoughts of Ruthanne and it was very confusing for me. I also knew in my heart that my pregnancy was not going to be okay.
I remember lying in my bed, so scared because I felt inside that the road I wanted to take was not the one that my Heavenly Father had planned for me. The next day I started to miscarry my baby, and I was beyond devastated. I have never felt such pain and heartache. As I prayed for comfort I had an overwhelming feeling that Heavenly Father had a different plan for me, and later that day I received a phone call from an adoption agency telling me about Ruthanne. When I got off the phone I knew from the top of my head to the tip of my toes that this was the plan my Heavenly Father had for me. I remember dropping to my knees and praying and feeling complete peace. As the weeks went on I tried to convince myself that I was just emotional and was making myself grasp onto something to try and get over losing a baby, but tiny miracles each day verified that this truly is a divine plan.
I have never had to have faith to this degree. I am terrified and excited, both at the same time. I will be adopting a child from China with Down Syndrome. How will she fit in with my curlyhaired, green-eyed children? Will I be able to care for a child with special needs? This beautiful girl will be with me forever and she will need my full attention, will I be able to give her what she needs and deserves while still having enough left inside to give to the rest of my family? How will this change my perfect family? Will I feel the same about her as my naturally born children?
What will my family picture look like? Will people think I am crazy? After all, I will have 3 year old twins, two 2 year old girls, one with special needs, and yes, I still hope to have one more. How will we pay for the large adoption fees? These are all the thoughts that have been racing through my head. And every time I pray about it, to seek the confirmation that I am doing the right thing for my family and Ruthanne, I receive the same answer. Have faith, and everything will be as it should be.
So, here I am. I am adopting a beautiful Down Syndrome child from China. Right now I don’t understand why I am supposed to do this or why I am worthy of this important task. I am terrified. What I do know without a doubt is that I am meant to take this road, and Ruthanne is meant to take this journey with me. I know that if I have faith in my Heavenly Father and his divine plan for me and my family then we will all be blessed. This is not where I thought I would be in my life, but I now truly understand what it means that “My thoughts are not your thoughts neither are my ways your ways” and that sometimes you must forward with faith even when, or perhaps especially when, you can’t quite clearly see why. I will move forward with faith that I have never had before. I am afraid, but I have trust in the Lord and know that He is leading me on this journey. I know with all my heart that this is the path my family is destined to take, and I know that we will not take this journey alone.
5/6/15—TRAVELING MAY 20
Follow the family’s adoption journey on their blog itstartedoutasafeeling.com